When the Firsts are the Lasts

I read a blog post recently about a mum talking about her youngest child completing the milestones of their first step, first word and these being the first last step/word she will ever have as a mum as this baby would be the last. When I had my toddler 19 months ago I knew he was the last, but its recently as I am throwing out his bibs and thinking about cutting out his bottle that it has dawned on me to soak his ‘firsts’ because these will be my last firsts. *Disclaimer:Now I can guarantee you (and Mr. Mumsmakeupbag!) that this does not make me broody in the slightest, my ovaries have stopped skipping a beat when I see a newborn or smell that baby smell (even though no smell will ever beat it).*

I first became a mum at 19 and now about to reach the grand old age of 35, I am watching my baby turn into a toddler way too fast for my liking. I have spent almost 16 years on the baby train and I am more than happy to jump off. I am not sad that I will never be a new mum again, but I have had to mourn it. I know I will never feel my baby kick inside me again or waddle around at 30 weeks wearing stripes and I am content with that, but I wish I could have that last kick one more time just to remember it better. Now I am determined to embrace every last first my children go through. Its so easy to get lost in the busy moments of parenthood and work and basically life that we don’t see the times we wont see again, we miss out on the lasts. My oldest is almost 15 and her firsts do not mean any less than my youngest  but I have gained (obviously maturity) but also the gift of hindsight to take a step back from a busy day (not every day) and lock in memories that were forgotten about before with the older kids. Its hard bloody work to get them all through the day and fed and to bed without too many tears, I just want to collapse on the couch and watch TV once they’re all snoring! But once in a while I will lock in a memory, it could be the 4 of them having dinner at the table together, it won’t be for much longer the youngest will be in a highchair or in a couple of years the oldest will be gone off to college and her chair will be empty but I just make a mental image to remember… Like Phoebe’s boyfriend (Alec Baldwin) in Friends “Click!” !!!!

Its not even the big firsts, I don’t remember that last time I helped my daughter with her homework, like I helped her everyday and then one day it obviously stopped but I don’t know when that was. I complain about having 2 sets of homework to help out with the twins but there will come a day when they won’t need my help anymore and I want to remember when this happens. Silly things are standing out to me like, when did the boys stop asking me to get them a drink or buttoning up their school shirts or zipping up their coats. I am still very much in demand with tying their laces and fixing their school ties but the tasks they have that only mum can help with are reducing at a rapid speed.

Now I am not saying I am going to be standing in my hall at 8.55am on a wet Tuesday morning going “Oh this could be the last time I took your shirt in and fix your tie, let me soak it up” with a tear in my eye…Jesus no. I am just saying once in a while I will take a step back and embrace been needed so much.

With the baby its different, his needs and his firsts will never happen again.Its a melancholy kind of outlook I suppose. As his independence grows with little steps like being able to walk or feed himself, my duties as his mum grow a tiny bit smaller.

His firsts are my lasts.



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